Personal Power

Recently while attending a support group for survivors of domestic violence, I mentioned something that seemed to completely baffle the other clients as well as the paraprofessional leader of the group.
It was a quote from a set of cards my ex husband had given to me . The cards feature quotes from the greek philosopher Heraclitus and are supposed to be used to help get writers through the difficult parts of their projects, but I have found the thirty quotes useful in everyday life as well, particularly the quote on card number twenty five.

Every walking animal is driven to its purpose with a whack.

I tried to share the meaning of the quote with the group but no one seemed to understand what I was saying and I was actually accused of delivering a violent message. An experience that left me scratching my head and wondering what the fuck I'd just witnessed. Perhaps I simply failed to articulate my point well enough for anyone other than myself to understand. Or maybe it was a message that particular group of women couldn't grasp.
The message?
Pain, Struggle and Consequences are necessary aspects of life. Discomfort or the fear of discomfort drives us to act rather being acted on. Taking action gives us control, and control gives us power. likewise the removed potential for discomfort steals from us our motivation and subsequently our power.
It occurs to me now that I at that time was speaking to a group of women who regularly complained that not enough was being done for them while responsibility for all of  their basic necessities were being entirely assumed by others. Food, clothing, medication, therapy, legal advice, transportation, piano lessons for their children and advocacy services, et cetera all provided free of charge to them. It seemed completely irrational to me. Then I realized that they were also greatly limited by the rules of the people taking care of them.
They had very little responsibility and very much control exercised over them. It seemed to me that they wanted to be provided not only their needs but their wants, any amount of labor necessary to improve their condition as well as freedom from any limitations. These were women who wanted to feel no pain, no discomfort and subsequently no motivation to establish their personal power along with its accompanying risks and consequences.
As far as I could tell none of them realized that the amount of responsibility assumed for them by others was the product purchased by the amount of discomfort they experience due the limitations placed on them by the people providing for them. My judgement of them being irrational was an understatement, it was delusion.
If one is relived of ANY single responsibility in any area of life, one is also relieved of the consequences that come with failure to rise to that responsibility and that sounds good until one considers that one is also relieved of power and control in that area. Many responsibilities relieved equals Much power taken.
If some one else solves your problems for you, some one else has control over you.
Externalizing your responsibilities and consequences Externalizes your Power.
This is why the most Powerful, Motivated, and Responsible people are very often people who have struggled and have suffered serious consequences in the past. If you know pain and struggle you are more likely to take measures to avoid it in the future. You are more likely to take control of your life and are thus empowered by the potential of suffering. You are driven to purpose.
No whack, no motivation, no purpose.
A person with out motivation has an increased risk of being and inactive passenger in his or her own life. An inactive person is an object and an object has no power. I don't think they realized it but the women in this group were angered because they were not being allowed to become objects by the removal of all responsibility, accountability and potential for discomfort.
Now, allow me to explain the dynamics of this group. There were almost an even number of women who were abused but not (to the best of my knowledge) abusive , women who were abused but were also abusive and one or two whom I am almost positive were never abused at all.  For the most part, they as a group, seemed to be under the impression that they had in one way or another suffered enough  and had come to feel entitled to an unreasonable amount of comfort without the restrictions that come with being provided for or the labor and responsibility that comes with providing for yourself.
Rather than being treated like children, they wanted to be treated as objects.
They did not want to process their painful experiences in a way that would provide motivation to act and improve their circumstances, which would lead empowerment. They, instead behaved as if their 'whack' was a consequence to trump all consequences and they should endure no further responsibility and subsequently no future consequences.
This seems to me an  attempt to cling to victim-hood and its compensatory benefits. Rather than allowing their survival to motivate them gain control of their lives. Since my experience in that support group, I can now recognize this attitude in other parts of society; from insignificant internet dramas to the wide-scale abuse of social services.
Attempting to draw benefit from victim-hood rather than integrating the negative experience into motivation to take control to improve things for yourself, is sure to lead to continuous victim identity. in time sympathy for the victim from outsiders wears thin and the victim is expected resume his or her responsibilities and its accompanying consequences. The victim is expected to, at some point, take personal responsibility, which will seem unjust and cruel to one who is deriving a sense or entitlement from their misfortune or abuse.
Which leads to the question, Why aren't they doing more for me??
The answer really is simple: because they want you to be a grown up.

Personal Responsibility

For the first time since I was child myself, I am spending a lot of time with a teen-aged girl. She and her mother are currently between homes and I have invited them to come and stay with me. I happen to love this little girl like a family member so when I noticed that she seems to be taking a road of assuming as little personal responsibility as possible I was immediately disturbed. I have been working with her, trying to offer her a more productive way of thinking, because I see personal irresponsibility as a disastrous personality flaw.

I seem to be making a little progress with her but, to put it mildly, she is quite resistant. I can't say that this surprises me, the society we live in has made it unforgivably acceptable for young ladies in particular to avoid personal responsibly. Naturally, my observation of this young girl brings to mind a subject that seems to inspire hostility and anger in most of the people I meet, particularly those online. 

In the case of most violent crime the teaching of prevention from attire and the avoidance of location to general public behavior is acceptable. How ever in the case of sexual assault there is serious condemnation and taboo placed on any such suggestions. 

Anyone who knows me knows that I do not subscribe to the idea that there is simply nothing one can do to protect ones self. I hate this message because once it is believed people don't even try to protect themselves. When ever I hear the message 'there's nothing you could have done' it sounds as ridiculous as it would if that was the message pumped out to the public about STD's. Of course there are some infected individuals who have contracted such diseases by no fault of their own, but if the public in general was told 'its never your fault there's nothing you could have done.' how far do you think that message would go in slowing the spread of STD's. 

In the case of rape I hear the argument that the message should be 'Don't rape, not don't get raped', which on the surface sounds acceptable how ever there is a disturbing layer to this that I cannot support or in anyway endorse, that layer is best exemplified in slut walk. I watched that demonstration with disgust because the message I read from it was; 'Hey guys don't rape no matter what, and hey ladies don't worry about taking personal responsibility for your own safety.' I think about all the young girls who have no doubt seen, absorbed and integrated this message into their world view. 

I can agree that if a woman is sexually attacked she should be able to rely on her local law enforcement and medical officials for help. I agree that a rapist cannot be excused for his behavior by the appearance or behavior or his or HER victim. 

This is where my agreement ends. 

The general attitude toward sexual assaults and rapists separates these crimes almost completely from any other type of violent crime . In any other sort of violent crime we as a society can understand that the perpetrators are a blend of , mentally or psychologically ill people, desperate people, unscrupulous people, and in some cases people who are otherwise normal but have been outrageously provoked. We understand that it is possible for one of these people to target us especially if we tempt them  similarly we understand that if we are harmed in a violent crime that the actions the attacker chooses to take are the sole responsibility and choice of the attacker. With that in mind how many of us are willing to stroll through skid row dripping with our most valuable and expensive jewelry in the wee hours of the morning. 

I don't believe many would and that has a lot to do with the fact that the general message about other violent crimes is very heavily about prevention and avoidance rather than the complete undeniable innocence and helplessness of the victim. As is the case with sexual assaults and rape. 

If some one behaves with little to no attention paid to personal responsibility for his or her safety and that person is victimized, The message of 'wear what you want, go where you want, consume what you want, do what you want and no one should hurt you' means absolutely NOTHING'. if a person is victimized it doesn't matter who had or didn't have a right to do what, the victim STILL has to suffer consequences. For me the consequences were made more difficult by the very idea that there was nothing I could do to avoid being victimized again.

'There was nothing you could do." is poison.  It does absolutely nothing to stop sexual assaults and practically ensures unnecessary exposure to risk especially for young women to whom this message is most heavily fed.